You love your partner, or at least love the time you spend with them. Still, when getting frisky, there are some aspects that miss the mark. Maybe by a little, maybe by a lot…but is it enough to say something? How do you upgrade the bedroom experience for both of you without downgrading your relationship while you are at it?
It can be done, but you may want to proceed with caution.
The best way to guide your partner’s moves in bed is through encouraging what feels good, turns you on and helps get you off. “You can use body language, and even take their hand and show them where you want to be touched,” says sex expert Antonia Hall (https://www.antoniahall.com/).
Moaning or simply saying “yes” when it feels good helps your partner know that they’re doing things you like.” You can also use simple sexy requests, like “It feels so good when you” or “It would turn me on so much if you”. Nobody should have to be a mind reader in the bedroom, and you both win when it’s a truly fulfilling experience, so don’t hesitate to guide your partner towards the moves you love,” says Hall.
Ultimately, much like at work or school, it’s all about taking notes – and then giving them. “If they are always just a few millimeters off of your clit, or just slightly too delicate when it comes to the pressure they apply to your nipples, or anything else that is just slightly not there… instead of being a turn on, you might be totally turned off, or worse… pissed off!” says Laurel House, Dating and Relationship Coach and Resident Sex Expert for My First Blush. So start giving notes.
Notes are an opportunity to open communication with your significant other in a very honest and vulnerable way, which can seriously deepen your relationship, tighten your bond, and instantly improve your sexual pleasure. Not to mention that you are showing them that you really want to have satisfying sex with them (which they should appreciate).
Delivery of the notes can be tricky. Which is why strategy is essential. “Similar to how you aren’t supposed to tell someone that they have a drinking problem when they are drunk, or that they should seriously consider anger management classes when they are it a fit of rage, don’t have this conversation during or even immediately after sex,” says House.
Instead, talk about it a few hours later, maybe at dinner, at breakfast, before falling asleep when just laying together in bed chatting at night, in a bath… somewhere that you are both relaxed, open, focused on each other, and interested in communicating. “Start by first asking how you can improve,” says House. This way you are being the example of your expectation, modeling what you want mirrored, and creating an environment of safety and trust.
“By being vulnerable first, you are making it easier for them to be open to your constructive criticism too,” says House. “When it comes to notes, you have to both take your egos out of it. You first. Don’t be upset if they tell you something that you didn’t expect, don’t agree with, and hurts your feelings. Take it in,” says House.
Be excited about knowing how to better please them. Because, again, you are modeling what you want mirrored. If you get pissed off… conversation, vulnerability, honesty is over. So you start by saying: “I really loved our sex today. It seemed like you liked it when I did ——–. What else did you like? What about when I go down on you, what do you like the best that I do? I want to make you feel good. What should I focus on more? What don’t you like as much? I won’t get upset, I really do want to know what you like and don’t like.”
You start with the good, and ease into asking about the bad, explains House. The reason? “They might think it’s weird at first that you want to be criticized, not realizing that it can be constructive, that you won’t get mad (DO NOT GET MAD AND USE THIS AGAINST THEM!), and that you truly would like the direction,” says House.
Next, open it up to what they can do better. If they don’t ask you if there are any areas that they can improve too, then it’s okay for you to launch into the conversation. “Use the notes that you just received as the place to start, as well as the style of communication. Start with the good, then go into the suggestions for improvement,” says House.
If you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask for it and don’t dole it out. “If you don’t ask for it or give it, you’re also limiting yourself,” cautions House. You’re saying, “I’m okay not being great at this.”
ANOTHER STRATEGY: Dirty Talk
Use dirty talk to direct. “Communicate your likes, dislikes, fantasies, what feels good, what you want them to do, what you are open to try, what you don’t like that much, your favorite position, where and how to move… while you’re doing it!” says House. This is making your note giving sexy.
If they can’t get you to orgasm, help them! In the midst of it, you can guide him a little, give him “I like it when…” direction or “I want you to f**k me like this…”
Don’t be pushy. Don’t be insulting. But help guide. Then show major appreciation (even if it’s a little overdoing it) when they get it right. You’ll both benefit from some constructive criticism and much needed instruction and the sex will only get better!