Male sexuality has many myths that have problematically been accepted as truth and have been perpetuated through multiple generations. Many of these myths are oppressive and sexually limiting, but some of these lies also create negative impacts on men’s sexual health and sexual pleasure. Healthy sex and mind-blowing orgasms require unlearning these myths and living in opposition to them. This is the liberatory work I do with patients clinically in my private practice.
Our sexual confidence and body esteem are integral parts of our general self-esteem and powerfully impacts our ability to enjoy sexual pleasure fully. Dismantling these myths about male sexuality is a requirement for all male identified people wanting a hotter, more pleasurable, and freer sex life.
Myth 1: If you don’t stay or get erect when you want then you must have a dysfunction.
Healthy erections don’t always work the way we want them to, when we want them to. This is not a disorder, it’s a natural variation in healthy functioning. It’s called erectile disappointment, not erectile dysfunction, because erections come and go. The work is in not panicking, and instead staying in the moment and continuing on with giving and receiving pleasure. Sex should not stop because an erection was lost. Good sex is about pleasure and fun, not performance. If you are focusing on performance- what you are doing, how you look, and if you are erect- then you are no longer in the moment, in your body, focused on pleasure, which is the entire goal of sex. How everything feels, not what you are doing.
And a final note to sexual partners: don’t take healthy erectile variability and erectile disappointments personally. It’s not about your partner’s interest and attraction to you. This is just how arousal, erections, and healthy sexuality works. It’s always an ebb and flow, and never “perfect” as it is on TV or in porn.
Myth 2: Erections are required for sex.
Erections are not required for sex. Sex is about pleasure, and erections and penetration are not needed for pleasure. When having erectile disappointment, move on to using your fingers, tongue, and toys to keep having sex and fun. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun! There are so many diverse ways to use your body and to have fun. Mature hot sex is not only about penetration, and it sometimes never even involves penetration. It’s about connecting to your body, your partners, and to pleasure.
Myth 3: Male sexuality is not fluid.
Nope, we are all more sexually diverse and fluid then we realize.
Our sexuality is always evolving and changing. But toxic masculinity, homophobia, slut shaming, and gender roles shame us into reducing our full total sexuality into what’s socially acceptable, thereby allowing anxiety to create our sexual and bodily limits. We are all far more sexually fluid than we realize, because we fall into sexual habits and routines, reinforcing the same sexual behaviors over and over. Sex should be new and novel when with a new partner, and even with repeat partners.
Myth 4: All men are sexual.
Males experience low sexual desire, and are not always hypersexual. Males can also be asexual and solosexual (more masturbatory and not desirous of partnered sex)
Myth 5: All men are Tops.
Some men are passive, some don’t initiate sex, and some have a totally receptive sexuality. Not all men are “tops” or assertive with sex and arousal. One’s gender expression does not promise or dictate their sexuality. Sexual health is about authentically embodying your honest sexual desires, and this will often challenge gendered expectations and norms.
Myth 6: Men just want sex, and don’t want an emotional connection.
This may be true for some, but others are more demi sexual (sexual desire emerges after an emotional connection) and some prioritize affection and emotional connection before their sexual desire. Its ok to have sex immediately or to delay sex depending on your current needs and desires.
Myth 7: Sexual anatomy is genitals only.
A man’s full body is an erogenous zone, including the anal area. And no, anal play does not make you “gay” (toxic masculinity, gender roles, and homophobia only thinks so). Our entire body has the ability to get us off, and penetrative sex bypasses a lot of erogenous zones and diverse ways of building intimacy and connection.
Sexual health and hot orgasms mean breaking out of these myths to engage in more authentic sex and sexual desire. Growing out of these limits on male sexuality is the work that all of us most do regardless of gender expression. It’s not always easy, but the payoff is a lifetime of hotter sex and higher levels of arousal.